Panic!
Bart Simpson as Horror Movie Characters
by Shane Murphy
Militia Leader May Have Left Stove On At Home
BURNS- The group of armed men holed up in an Oregon wildlife sanctuary in defiance of the US Government were thrown into chaos after their leader, Amon Bundy, couldn’t remember whether he’d turned off the stove in his Nevada home before traveling to join the protest.
The startling revelation came as Bundy was addressing other militia members and the press.
“We’re here to stand against the oppressive creep of government overreach,” Bundy said. “We will stay as long as we have to, and fight and even die and ooooooohhhhh fuuuuuuuk! Did I leave the stove on?”
Bundy attempted to finish his statement, but was unable to turn his focus back to his original message.
“No. No. I’m just being paranoid. I definitely turned it off. I think. Maybe I didn’t? I honestly can’t remember,” Bundy stated before abruptly ending the press conference.
Several panicked attempts to call home and ease his mind failed due to lack of cell phone reception in the area. Despite his efforts to remain calm and keep morale high, Bundy’s lingering doubts quickly spread through the rest of the militia members.
“I definitely remember making sure to pack my AR-15 and lots of ammo in case I’d need to stand up to the federal government’s jackbooted thugs, but dammed if I can remember if I closed my garage door on the way out,” said one militia member. “I’ve got a new Bowflex and a pretty nice foosball table in there. Someone could just walk off with my stuff.”
Other sovereign citizens voiced similar worries: Possible failures to unplug various kitchen appliances and to turn off lamps, radios, and televisions were common concerns. Several expressed alarm that they could not remember if they’d asked someone to come by and feed their pets while they joined their brother-in-arms at the standoff.
“I know that the tree of liberty must occasionally be nourished with the blood of patriots,” another militia member said. “But my cat Toby Meowguire has a gluten allergy, and I can’t for the life of me remember if I mentioned that to my neighbor.”
Craft beer and great crime fiction. More Raymond Chandler! #craftbeer #literature #crime
Beer and book. Rereading one of my all-time favorite novels.
Werewolf stepdad. He’s doing the best he can.
The Dumbest Names From The Westminster Dog Show
The Westminster Dog Show is a wonderful annual event where you can watch dogs run around in a circle on live television.
If you are lucky, sometimes those dogs will poop, and then you get to watch a bunch of snobby dog people try and ignore said poop, which is sort of funny. Sadly, this is a rare event.
I don’t know who pooped at the Westminster dog show this year, but I did skim the list of this years competitors, and found some delightfully bizarre names.
GCH Sidearm Return Of The King- NERD ALERT! NERD ALERT! I guarantee the name of this Redbone Coonhound was thought up while the dog’s owner was neck deep in the toilet bowl in junior high school. Well, now he has enough money for a show dog and he doesn’t take any crap from you dumb jocks anymore! IT’S A COOL NAME AND THE OTHER GUYS IN THE A/V CLUB WERE TOTALLY RIGHT ALL ALONG!
GCH Involo The King Of Pop- This Papillon is not The King of Pop. Michael Jackson (who is not a tiny dog) is the King of Pop. He’s also dead and not able to defend his title against this fuzzy little usurper. That’s messed up, little dog.
Ch Kiarry’s Stonewall Jackson- I you’re going to name a show dog, why not name it after brilliant military tactician who stood up for his beloved South’s right to, er, keep slaves? Yeah. The whole “this guy was totally all about slavery” thing aside, I’m not sure about the wisdom of naming a competition dog after a dude who was on the side that lost the civil war.
Ch Ehrenvogel Achy Breaky Heart- No. Just No.
GCH Aberdeens Under The Influence- Now this is name! This Otterhound is here to party, and he doesn’t give fuck what you think. While all the other square dogs are checking their hair and practice their walk for the judges, this dog is out in parking lot, hitting on your girlfriend, smoking weed and shotgunning Milwaukee’s best while blasting Slow Ride from his 1983 Camero. What, you say you’ll call the cops? Go ahead! This dog doesn’t care, he’s a wildcard that plays by his own rules and lives on the edge!
There are more dumb names. So many more, on the Westminster Dog Show’s official website.
The ‘experimental’ writer, then, is simply following the story’s commands to the best of his human ability. The writer is not the story, the story is the story. See? Sometimes this is very hard to accept and sometimes too easy. On the one hand, there’s the writer who can’t face his fate: that the telling of a story has nothing at all to do with him; on the other hand, there’s the one who faces it too well: that the telling of the story has nothing at all to do with him.
Thomas Ligotti (via writingquotes)
D'oh!
neaarty