Macho Man Randy Savage with a special message from the afterlife

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OHHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAH!

This is the Macho Man Randy Savage,defying the laws space, time and
death to come directly into your living room with a special message!

As you know, the Macho Man was the most electrifying athlete to ever
set foot in the squared circle, OOOH YEAAH! But even that the power of
Macho Madness and multiple championship titles pales in comparison to
raw and awesome energy that I achieved after my spirit was transmuted
into a state of pure, conscious energy! OHHH YEAAAAAAH!

Achieving universal oneness wasn’t easy. In fact, breaking through the shimmering veil of reality from my earthly body was nearly as challenging as my legendary “falls count anywhere” match against George “The Animal Steel”. The Macho Man has faced many a fearsome opponent, but none so challenging as passing into the great beyond! OOOOH YEEEEAH!

You see, as the Macho Man’s spirit began to rise from his rippling,
muscled body, he felt fear for the very first time! That’s right, an
overwhelming terror of the unknown hit the Macho Man harder than the
spicy explosion of ten thousand Slim Jims™!

Darkness enveloped the Macho man, OOOOOH YEAAAAAH! He did not
understand that his spirit had been ensnared in the deadly figure four
leg lock of ego, dig it?

As he journeyed through the lower bardos, the Macho Man had never been more frightened. But just as he was about to tap out and give into the swirling chaos of the void, the Macho Man heard a booming voice call out  to him. Soon, a great crystal Phoenix cloaked in auras of more
colorful than all the feather boas in the Macho Man’s walk-in closet
rose from the abyss. OOOOH YEAH!

Using thoughtwave energy forms and sacred geometry to communicate,
the being identified itself to the Macho Man as an avatar of an
ancient ascended master, OOOH YEEEEAH! It explained that the Macho Man needed to confront his worldly desires and insecurities in a
no-holds-barred, steel cage match in order to rise to a higher level
of existence!

The Macho Man does not know how long it took him to triumph in that
great bout. One-by-one he let go of his fears until he could delivered
a devastating elbow drop from the top rope to his ego, OOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH!

The darkness fell away. The universe and all of its secrets opened up
before the Macho Man like a glorious lotus flower of pure white
energy. It was then that the Macho Man achieved sacred oneness, and
the ultimate truth of all existence was revealed to him!

OOOOH YEEEEEEAH! Now, the Macho Man has returned to share that cosmic truth with all his fans! But that truth that cannot be easily
explained in words, dig it? It is a truth that, if revealed in it’s
entirety, would suprise the unenlightened mind like a steel chair to
back of the head from Ted Dibiasi!

But the Macho Man would never leave his fans high and dry, OOOOH NO! He is here to tell you to reject the empty lure of material
possessions, love one another, live in peace, and never miss the
chance to enjoy the in-your-face flavor of the new XTREME TABASCO SLIM JIM™!

Namaste Macho Fans, and SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!

Ask A Witchfinder

Greetings! Tis I, Hawthorne T. Hawkes, Witchfinder General for the greater metro area and weekly advice columnist for the Free Gazette Shopper.
 
Come good townsfolk, and hear my wisdom in all manners great and small!
 
Dear Witchfinder Hawks,
My daughter just started at a new school this year. After the first week we were called in by her teacher, who said that she was having a lot of trouble in class. She said our daughter was falling behind the other children, and had trouble focusing on her class work. She thinks she might have ADHD, and suggested testing and medication. I just think she’s just an energetic little girl who loves school.
What should we do?
Sincerely, 
Very Concerned Mother
 
Dear Very Concerned,
 
I too am gravely concerned with the reports of your child’s behavior. I’m sorry to say that your daughter’s desire for an education is clear indication that she is a witch.
My advice would be to begin stacking several large rocks on top of the girl until she confesses that she is, in fact, in league with the devil. 
Skip the trip to apothecary for “medication”, as you have no need of it. You need no prescription for a cord of dry wood and strong rope. 
 
Dear Witchfinder Hawkes,
What’s the best way to get red wine stains out of the carpet? My mother-in-law is visiting, and the stain is very embarrassing!
Sincerely, 
Likes Things Clean
Dear Likes Things Clean,
 
You are asking the wrong question my dear. The bigger question is just who made you spill that wine. It’s obvious to me that you have been cursed by witchcraft.
Does your mother-in-law have any moles or birthmarks? You may have to hit her about the head with a cudgel, and restrain her to conduct the thorough inspection. The devil is crafty about where he hides his mark!
If you need further proof, ask her to recite the Lord’s Prayer while submerged upside down in an freezing river. If she is unable to recite the prayer perfectly before drowning, then she is most certainly a witch. 
If she is able to recite the prayer, I’d suggest letting her drown anyway, as witches are sly and able to deceive you with many dark spells and glamour. Learning to recite a prayer while upside down underwater to prove you aren’t a witch is textbook witch trickery! You can never be too careful!
 
Dear Witchfinder Hawkes,
I recently found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. I confronted him, and he said it was a one-time thing, and promised he’d never to do it again. Should I give him another chance?
Sincerely,
Sad And Confused
 
Dear Sad And Confused,
 
I noticed sent this question to me as an “electric mail”. Do you take me for a fool? Did you think I would not see that you wield black magic that allows you to send me letters through the air via this unholy “electricity”?
Confess witch! Confess your crimes against God and nature! Confess or face the wrath of the Witchfinder!

The Birthday Clown

Hi kids! I’m Buzzo the Clown, and I’m here to put on a very special show for the birthday boy. Where are you, Kevin?

Ah here you are! Well happy 6th birthday Kevin! I hope you’re ready for a very entertaining and educational magic show today.

For my first magic trick, let’s start with something simple. What’s that in your ear, Kevin? Why look, it’s a shiny silver dollar! I wonder how that got in there? Well it’s yours now Kevin. Why don’t you hold it in you little hand and admire it.

Now I want you to give that silver dollar back to me, Kevin. I know I said it was yours, but now I’m going to take it back under threat force, just like the United States government does to millions of freedom-loving Americans each day. It’s mine now Kevin. Buzzo’s going to take your shiny silver dollar and spend it on entitlements for poor single mothers to buy cell phones and new Cadilliacs.

I know it’s tough Kevin. But hey, don’t cry. That silver dollar is going to be worthless when our monetary systems collapses because our currency isn’t backed by gold anymore . I’d give you some bitcoins or bullion instead, but Buzzo the Clown doesn’t believe in handouts Kevin, and neither should you.

For my next trick, Buzzo’s going to reach into this old top hat and pull out a rabbit. Here he is kids! Now watch as I make the bunny disappear. That’s right, he’s gone without a trace, just like our “Commander and Chief” Barack Hussein Obama’s birth certificate. Do you ever wonder where it went, Kevin? Do you? Buzzo wonders. Buzzo wonders a lot.

Now it’s about time for my final trick. Usually ol’ Buzzo does great finale involving a Ben Bernakie scarecrow and my trusty AR-15 home-protection assault rifle, but apparently Kevin, your mommy and daddy are part of the growing group of so-called “Americans” who no longer believe in our god-given right to bear and display arms. That’s disappointing Kevin, but Buzzo will bet you gold-backed dollars-to doughnuts that your parents will change their tune when the jack-booted thugs from the U.N. come goosteping down the block to drag them and their friends away to secret FEMA camps.

I can see that old Buzzo’s just about worn out his welcome at this party. So for my last magic trick I want you all to close your eyes. That’s right, close your eyes just like everyone else in this country. Ignore the the Obamacare death panels and the ever-encroaching threat of government regulation! Close those little peepers, Kevin, and try ignore the planes spewing the chemtrails raining down on your little birthday party! Ignore it just like everyone else is who won’t return Buzzo’s letters and phone calls. Just like all the sheeple who don’t read Buzzo’s well-written blog and daily email newsletter!

Thanks for your time kids. Happy birthday Kevin. Now as an encore, Buzzo’s gonna to use these colorful juggling balls to teach the nice officers walking across the yard about my rights under the Constitution and the inherent oppression of the police-state.

George R.R. Martin now killing the people you love IRL

SANTA FE- Popular fantasy author George R.R. Martin has moved from killing the fictional characters in his novels to murdering the friends a family members of his readers.

Martin is well-know for his penchant for killing off popular characters in his wildly successful, A Song of Fire and Ice book series. Apparently unsatisfied with killing the fictional characters his readers have grown to know and love, Martin now appears to be targeting living human beings.

One of the author’s many confirmed victims was 48-year-old bachelor and self-described “cool uncle” Mort Bledsoe. Beldsoe’s nephew, Rick Matthews, said he was playing a friendly game of checkers with his uncle when Martin appeared from behind some curtains and stabbed Bledsoe in the back with a large sword.

“I never saw it coming. I was absolutely shocked,” said Matthews, a 19-year-old college student. “You have to hand it to GRRM, he really knows how to keep you on your toes. No one is safe, and you never know who’s going to be next.”

News of Martin’s rampage sent internet into a whirlwind of speculation, as his biggest fans tried to guess just who their favorite author would kill next.

“Some people think it will be the helpful barista who always remembers your name, and sneaks in free muffins with your morning coffee order,” said Killa_Joffrey420, moderator for a popular Martin message board. “Others think it’s going to be the old man who feeds the ducks in the park and volunteers at the soup kitchen every Christmas.”

No matter how many hours they spend hypothesizing, no one is able to come up with a definitive answer, he said.

“We’re talking about GRRM here, so it could be anyone.”

While the country anxiously waits to find out who Martin’s next victims will be, law enforcement has done little to stop his bloody spree. When a reporter attempted to question FBI director Robert S. Mueller about the murders, the director reportedly covered his ears with his hands and screamed “SPOILERS! SPOILERS! DON’T RUIN IT FOR ME!”

Martin’s publicist, Maria Turner, did not respond a request for comment for this story. It was later discovered that she was been poisoned by unknown means at her granddaughter’s quinceanera earlier this week.