The enjoyment of jazz crept up on me in a most sinister fashion.
I am a white male in my late twenties, so I guess it was inevitable.I literally looked up one day and realized I liked jazz. I remember thinking something along the lines of “when the fuck did this happen?” and not really getting any answer.
I didn’t bother fighting it. My days of being cool are slowly waning. I was never really cool before, so I was not particularly inclined to mourn the loss.
Does liking jazz now make me cool? I doubt it. It does make me want to tap my feet a little and nod my head to the rhythm. Jazz is beloved by white people because you can’t really dance to it. You just tap your feet and bob your head a little. It is a safe kind of music.This is a fact.
As with any new thing I hope will make me cool as I meander into the thirties, I know absolutely nothing about jazz. Jack shit. I own exactly one jazz record on vinyl. It is Miles Davis. I know who Miles Davis is because I read about him on the label of a craft beer dedicated to one of his albums, Bitches Brew. The beer was very good, so I bought Bitches Brew on iTunes.
I liked the album, but I didn’t buy anymore Miles Davis. Instead, I just subscribed to the “Miles Davis” station on iTunes radio. The program’s algorithm now chooses to play Davis’ music, and other artists with a similar style, for me. I could use the program to delve deeper into the world of jazz, and to discover new artists and learn their styles.
I do not do this.
Most of the music sounds good, and I usually have no clue whether or not the song that’s playing is Davis or not. Sometimes I like to pretend I can tell, but I’m really just guessing and don’t bother to check.
Am I ruining jazz? I am sorry for that, but there’s only so many thing I can busy myself and obsess over while trying to ignore the fact that I am aging, and my body is beginning a slow revolt that will eventually end in death. Sure, I have lots and lots of time to use obsession to push that inevitability out of my mind, but not enough to do it with jazz, apparently.
As I ponder this, I will wait and let the algorithm pick more songs for me. I will tap my feet and nod my head. I will wonder if the song id by Miles Davis, or someone else.
This is the Macho Man Randy Savage,defying the laws space, time and
death to come directly into your living room with a special message!
As you know, the Macho Man was the most electrifying athlete to ever
set foot in the squared circle, OOOH YEAAH! But even that the power of
Macho Madness and multiple championship titles pales in comparison to
raw and awesome energy that I achieved after my spirit was transmuted
into a state of pure, conscious energy! OHHH YEAAAAAAH!
Achieving universal oneness wasn’t easy. In fact, breaking through the shimmering veil of reality from my earthly body was nearly as challenging as my legendary “falls count anywhere” match against George “The Animal Steel”. The Macho Man has faced many a fearsome opponent, but none so challenging as passing into the great beyond! OOOOH YEEEEAH!
You see, as the Macho Man’s spirit began to rise from his rippling,
muscled body, he felt fear for the very first time! That’s right, an
overwhelming terror of the unknown hit the Macho Man harder than the
spicy explosion of ten thousand Slim Jims™!
Darkness enveloped the Macho man, OOOOOH YEAAAAAH! He did not
understand that his spirit had been ensnared in the deadly figure four
leg lock of ego, dig it?
As he journeyed through the lower bardos, the Macho Man had never been more frightened. But just as he was about to tap out and give into the swirling chaos of the void, the Macho Man heard a booming voice call out to him. Soon, a great crystal Phoenix cloaked in auras of more
colorful than all the feather boas in the Macho Man’s walk-in closet
rose from the abyss. OOOOH YEAH!
Using thoughtwave energy forms and sacred geometry to communicate,
the being identified itself to the Macho Man as an avatar of an
ancient ascended master, OOOH YEEEEAH! It explained that the Macho Man needed to confront his worldly desires and insecurities in a
no-holds-barred, steel cage match in order to rise to a higher level
The Macho Man does not know how long it took him to triumph in that
great bout. One-by-one he let go of his fears until he could delivered
a devastating elbow drop from the top rope to his ego, OOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH!
The darkness fell away. The universe and all of its secrets opened up
before the Macho Man like a glorious lotus flower of pure white
energy. It was then that the Macho Man achieved sacred oneness, and
the ultimate truth of all existence was revealed to him!
OOOOH YEEEEEEAH! Now, the Macho Man has returned to share that cosmic truth with all his fans! But that truth that cannot be easily
explained in words, dig it? It is a truth that, if revealed in it’s
entirety, would suprise the unenlightened mind like a steel chair to
back of the head from Ted Dibiasi!
But the Macho Man would never leave his fans high and dry, OOOOH NO! He is here to tell you to reject the empty lure of material
possessions, love one another, live in peace, and never miss the
chance to enjoy the in-your-face flavor of the new XTREME TABASCO SLIM JIM™!
Namaste Macho Fans, and SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!
Hi kids! I’m Buzzo the Clown, and I’m here to put on a very special show for the birthday boy. Where are you, Kevin?
Ah here you are! Well happy 6th birthday Kevin! I hope you’re ready for a very entertaining and educational magic show today.
For my first magic trick, let’s start with something simple. What’s that in your ear, Kevin? Why look, it’s a shiny silver dollar! I wonder how that got in there? Well it’s yours now Kevin. Why don’t you hold it in you little hand and admire it.
Now I want you to give that silver dollar back to me, Kevin. I know I said it was yours, but now I’m going to take it back under threat force, just like the United States government does to millions of freedom-loving Americans each day. It’s mine now Kevin. Buzzo’s going to take your shiny silver dollar and spend it on entitlements for poor single mothers to buy cell phones and new Cadilliacs.
I know it’s tough Kevin. But hey, don’t cry. That silver dollar is going to be worthless when our monetary systems collapses because our currency isn’t backed by gold anymore . I’d give you some bitcoins or bullion instead, but Buzzo the Clown doesn’t believe in handouts Kevin, and neither should you.
For my next trick, Buzzo’s going to reach into this old top hat and pull out a rabbit. Here he is kids! Now watch as I make the bunny disappear. That’s right, he’s gone without a trace, just like our “Commander and Chief” Barack Hussein Obama’s birth certificate. Do you ever wonder where it went, Kevin? Do you? Buzzo wonders. Buzzo wonders a lot.
Now it’s about time for my final trick. Usually ol’ Buzzo does great finale involving a Ben Bernakie scarecrow and my trusty AR-15 home-protection assault rifle, but apparently Kevin, your mommy and daddy are part of the growing group of so-called “Americans” who no longer believe in our god-given right to bear and display arms. That’s disappointing Kevin, but Buzzo will bet you gold-backed dollars-to doughnuts that your parents will change their tune when the jack-booted thugs from the U.N. come goosteping down the block to drag them and their friends away to secret FEMA camps.
I can see that old Buzzo’s just about worn out his welcome at this party. So for my last magic trick I want you all to close your eyes. That’s right, close your eyes just like everyone else in this country. Ignore the the Obamacare death panels and the ever-encroaching threat of government regulation! Close those little peepers, Kevin, and try ignore the planes spewing the chemtrails raining down on your little birthday party! Ignore it just like everyone else is who won’t return Buzzo’s letters and phone calls. Just like all the sheeple who don’t read Buzzo’s well-written blog and daily email newsletter!
Thanks for your time kids. Happy birthday Kevin. Now as an encore, Buzzo’s gonna to use these colorful juggling balls to teach the nice officers walking across the yard about my rights under the Constitution and the inherent oppression of the police-state.