On Ruining Jazz Music For Everyone: A Reflective Essay

The enjoyment of jazz crept up on me in a most sinister fashion.

I am a white male in my late twenties, so I guess it was inevitable.I literally looked up one day and realized I liked jazz. I remember thinking something along the lines of “when the fuck did this happen?” and not really getting any answer.

I didn’t bother fighting it. My days of being cool are slowly waning. I was never really cool before, so I was not particularly inclined to mourn the loss.

Does liking jazz now make me cool? I doubt it. It does make me want to tap my feet a little and nod my head to the rhythm. Jazz is beloved by white people because you can’t really dance to it. You just tap your feet and bob your head a little. It is a safe kind of music.This is a fact.

As with any new thing I hope will make me cool as I meander into the thirties, I know absolutely nothing about jazz. Jack shit. I own exactly one jazz record on vinyl. It is Miles Davis. I know who Miles Davis is because I read about him on the label of a craft beer dedicated to one of his albums, Bitches Brew. The beer was very good, so I bought Bitches Brew on iTunes.

I liked the album, but I didn’t buy anymore Miles Davis. Instead, I just subscribed to the “Miles Davis” station on iTunes radio. The program’s algorithm now chooses to play Davis’ music, and other artists with a similar style, for me. I could use the program to delve deeper into the world of jazz, and to discover new artists and learn their styles.

I do not do this.

Most of the music sounds good, and I usually have no clue whether or not the song that’s playing is Davis or not. Sometimes I like to pretend I can tell, but I’m really just guessing and don’t bother to check.

Am I ruining jazz? I am sorry for that, but there’s only so many thing I can busy myself and obsess over while trying to ignore the fact that I am aging, and my body is beginning a slow revolt that will eventually end in death. Sure, I have lots and lots of time to use obsession to push that inevitability out of my mind, but not enough to do it with jazz, apparently.

As I ponder this, I will wait and let the algorithm pick more songs for me. I will tap my feet and nod my head. I will wonder if the song id by Miles Davis, or someone else.

 

Macho Man Randy Savage with a special message from the afterlife

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OHHHHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAH!

This is the Macho Man Randy Savage,defying the laws space, time and
death to come directly into your living room with a special message!

As you know, the Macho Man was the most electrifying athlete to ever
set foot in the squared circle, OOOH YEAAH! But even that the power of
Macho Madness and multiple championship titles pales in comparison to
raw and awesome energy that I achieved after my spirit was transmuted
into a state of pure, conscious energy! OHHH YEAAAAAAH!

Achieving universal oneness wasn’t easy. In fact, breaking through the shimmering veil of reality from my earthly body was nearly as challenging as my legendary “falls count anywhere” match against George “The Animal Steel”. The Macho Man has faced many a fearsome opponent, but none so challenging as passing into the great beyond! OOOOH YEEEEAH!

You see, as the Macho Man’s spirit began to rise from his rippling,
muscled body, he felt fear for the very first time! That’s right, an
overwhelming terror of the unknown hit the Macho Man harder than the
spicy explosion of ten thousand Slim Jims™!

Darkness enveloped the Macho man, OOOOOH YEAAAAAH! He did not
understand that his spirit had been ensnared in the deadly figure four
leg lock of ego, dig it?

As he journeyed through the lower bardos, the Macho Man had never been more frightened. But just as he was about to tap out and give into the swirling chaos of the void, the Macho Man heard a booming voice call out  to him. Soon, a great crystal Phoenix cloaked in auras of more
colorful than all the feather boas in the Macho Man’s walk-in closet
rose from the abyss. OOOOH YEAH!

Using thoughtwave energy forms and sacred geometry to communicate,
the being identified itself to the Macho Man as an avatar of an
ancient ascended master, OOOH YEEEEAH! It explained that the Macho Man needed to confront his worldly desires and insecurities in a
no-holds-barred, steel cage match in order to rise to a higher level
of existence!

The Macho Man does not know how long it took him to triumph in that
great bout. One-by-one he let go of his fears until he could delivered
a devastating elbow drop from the top rope to his ego, OOOOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH!

The darkness fell away. The universe and all of its secrets opened up
before the Macho Man like a glorious lotus flower of pure white
energy. It was then that the Macho Man achieved sacred oneness, and
the ultimate truth of all existence was revealed to him!

OOOOH YEEEEEEAH! Now, the Macho Man has returned to share that cosmic truth with all his fans! But that truth that cannot be easily
explained in words, dig it? It is a truth that, if revealed in it’s
entirety, would suprise the unenlightened mind like a steel chair to
back of the head from Ted Dibiasi!

But the Macho Man would never leave his fans high and dry, OOOOH NO! He is here to tell you to reject the empty lure of material
possessions, love one another, live in peace, and never miss the
chance to enjoy the in-your-face flavor of the new XTREME TABASCO SLIM JIM™!

Namaste Macho Fans, and SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!

Ask A Witchfinder

Greetings! Tis I, Hawthorne T. Hawkes, Witchfinder General for the greater metro area and weekly advice columnist for the Free Gazette Shopper.
 
Come good townsfolk, and hear my wisdom in all manners great and small!
 
Dear Witchfinder Hawks,
My daughter just started at a new school this year. After the first week we were called in by her teacher, who said that she was having a lot of trouble in class. She said our daughter was falling behind the other children, and had trouble focusing on her class work. She thinks she might have ADHD, and suggested testing and medication. I just think she’s just an energetic little girl who loves school.
What should we do?
Sincerely, 
Very Concerned Mother
 
Dear Very Concerned,
 
I too am gravely concerned with the reports of your child’s behavior. I’m sorry to say that your daughter’s desire for an education is clear indication that she is a witch.
My advice would be to begin stacking several large rocks on top of the girl until she confesses that she is, in fact, in league with the devil. 
Skip the trip to apothecary for “medication”, as you have no need of it. You need no prescription for a cord of dry wood and strong rope. 
 
Dear Witchfinder Hawkes,
What’s the best way to get red wine stains out of the carpet? My mother-in-law is visiting, and the stain is very embarrassing!
Sincerely, 
Likes Things Clean
Dear Likes Things Clean,
 
You are asking the wrong question my dear. The bigger question is just who made you spill that wine. It’s obvious to me that you have been cursed by witchcraft.
Does your mother-in-law have any moles or birthmarks? You may have to hit her about the head with a cudgel, and restrain her to conduct the thorough inspection. The devil is crafty about where he hides his mark!
If you need further proof, ask her to recite the Lord’s Prayer while submerged upside down in an freezing river. If she is unable to recite the prayer perfectly before drowning, then she is most certainly a witch. 
If she is able to recite the prayer, I’d suggest letting her drown anyway, as witches are sly and able to deceive you with many dark spells and glamour. Learning to recite a prayer while upside down underwater to prove you aren’t a witch is textbook witch trickery! You can never be too careful!
 
Dear Witchfinder Hawkes,
I recently found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. I confronted him, and he said it was a one-time thing, and promised he’d never to do it again. Should I give him another chance?
Sincerely,
Sad And Confused
 
Dear Sad And Confused,
 
I noticed sent this question to me as an “electric mail”. Do you take me for a fool? Did you think I would not see that you wield black magic that allows you to send me letters through the air via this unholy “electricity”?
Confess witch! Confess your crimes against God and nature! Confess or face the wrath of the Witchfinder!